The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
