so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
