I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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