I wannas sexs uuuuu
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize