the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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