the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Randomize
