I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
