I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
high people should be assigned attendants
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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