"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize