My friends, they love my intelligence
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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