I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
