i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
