I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
