Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
