Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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