every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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