the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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