thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
