I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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