sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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