I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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