is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize