So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
