Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
