Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
