Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
