do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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