I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
