Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
