yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
