Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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