very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
