Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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