Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
