I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I am midnight drunk by noon
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
