I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
