So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
