Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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