Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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