i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
