he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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