You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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