what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
