did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
