So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
