why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
