..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
