Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
