Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
