I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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