Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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