I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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