Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize