I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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