dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
What did we do last night that was yellow?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
