please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
