dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
