Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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