Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
