literally had 100 drinks last night.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
