there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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