I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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