Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
