My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize