Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
