He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
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