Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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