It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
