Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
