After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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