I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
