I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
