We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
