So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
soo... how was my night?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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